Family Ties and Estrangement
Our closest and dearest relationships are those with our physical family members. Our parents, siblings, partners, and children, are usually the closest people to us (there are exceptions of course). It can be so easy though to misconstrue or manipulate scriptures about family (Luke 14:26 about loving God first; Mat 12:46-50 about Jesus not getting distracted by his family, etc) as we strive to prioritize our commitment to God. We can cherry-pick and use verses that create rifts in families when that is unnecessary, and even against God’s commands. Of all the things that could label a church as a cult or having cultish tendencies, estranging people from their physical families would be near the top.
Of course, God comes first, but what does that mean? Our family is part of loving others as we love ourselves. If our family is trying to stop us from following Jesus, we should obey God rather than man, but in most families, that is not the case. God wants us to honor our father and mother (Ex 20:12), husbands and wives should love one another ((Eph 5), parents should raise their children with care and instruction (Eph 6:4), and we should all look after our relatives (1 Tim 5:8). Yet in an effort to win the world for Christ as fast as possible, too many have neglected their physical families, and many were made to feel that was the right thing to do. In the worst cases, there was undue pressure or even bullying to do so in the name of God. Prayerfully not too many churches follow these practices anymore but it has happened and we need to be mindful.
It starts at the point of conversion when we can feel pressure to admit our family is “lost”. As a result, many new Christians confront their family members about their relationship with God in a way that can be alienating rather than helpful. And this can go on throughout our lives. Family vacations are skipped or curtailed because there is a more important church commitment happening at the same time. Weddings are a sore point for many. I have heard of couples whose families were completely shut out of this most important milestone of life. That is unacceptable and can leave long-lasting scars that are hard to heal. I have even heard of spiritual leaders attending the birth of a child in the delivery room instead of a family member being present, such as the mom of the person giving birth.
Our Western individualistic culture (where the roots of many churches are) is partly to blame for this. The stress is on a “personal relationship with God” where we stand alone before God. That is actually not biblical. In the time of Jesus and in many current cultures, great attention was and is paid to family and community. When people make decisions, they think carefully about the impact on their closest relationships. Yes, sometimes individual decisions need to be made but, as much as possible, people want to bring their relatives and community along, and not alienate them. It takes more time, more effort, and more love. It is more challenging but it does not lead to fractured relationships, something that can often be avoided if handled with patience and wisdom. In Eastern cultures, taking care of and respecting elders is paramount. Children do not leave home until they get married, and even then, joint families where several generations live together are the norm.
The most extreme cases can lead to family estrangement. The causes can be many, and not always the result of church involvement, but sadly sometimes, that is the case. Putting church and leaders’ expectations before our physical family is not always the right thing to do, and not even biblical. It can result in rifts that are hard to repair and sometimes impossible to fix. Some of the things we have put our children through based on unhealthy church culture can also lead to estrangement between parents and children, and I cannot imagine anything more heartbreaking than that. I have some regrets over things I did or said while raising my children, and I have apologized to them. I am so grateful they have been so forgiving and gracious, and we are very close, but I know that is not the case with all families, and I hurt over those situations. My heart breaks for the families who did what they thought best but the damage is profound. May God be with us and bring healing to those who need it, and repair those relationships!
Let us also be wise in handling family relationships. As leaders, we need to think carefully about the expectations and advice we give people. As someone who has been in leadership for a long time, I have had to rethink some of the things I subscribed to in the past. Living in a culture where family and community are so very important has really helped me to be more considerate, and I am grateful for the example of my friends in this part of the world. I am also grateful to the many people who have encouraged me to be an attentive daughter, wife, and mother, and provided much wisdom over the years.