Fear-Based Parenting in Pride Month
When our children come out or struggle with gender identity, it is very unsettling for parents, especially in the church. We feel very overwhelmed, confused, and conflicted. Fear sets in for many reasons. What does this mean? Will they be ostracized? Will we be ostracized? Will they be bullied?
And then the inevitable question: “What do we really think about gender?” Most of us who have been in church for a long time, especially more conservative churches, have always been told that being queer is sinful, wrong, and will send someone to Hell. I have done a lot of research since my own child came out, and it is actually not so straightforward. I am not going to declare anything in this post, as I am still wrestling myself, but one thing I do know is that saying, “The Bible clearly says…” is inadequate and the lazy way out.
One thing that comforts me is the fact that Jesus did not say anything about this, so if I do not say anything, I am in good company. What I will say is that loving and accepting our children is the right thing to do. Trying to convince someone, which is nothing less than conversion therapy, has disastrous consequences. Mental health is at a crisis in church kids, and queer kids are in real danger.
I am often told that there are ministries catering to families dealing with this in the church. Unfortunately, those ministries have been really toxic. The only ones who like them are the parents. Talk to the kids and see what they say. We have to tread carefully.
On a similar note, I listened to my friend Roy’s podcast this morning. His latest (20mn) episode is called “The Pink Sparkly Vans and the Fear we Pass down”. It addresses the strong reaction many church parents have when their child, at a young age, shows a predilection for toys, clothes, or activities that are deemed suitable for the “opposite” gender. For example, a little boy likes to play with dolls, or a little girl wants to wear boys’ clothes (whatever that means).
The fear that sets in parents’ hearts is unwarranted and will cause more harm than good. When one of my daughters was three, she decided she was Spider-Man. Literally. She lived and slept in a Spider-Man suit for three years, insisted on being called Spider-Man, and even attended a wedding dressed as Spider-Man. She wanted to be a boy because Spider-Man was a boy. She wanted to wear boys’ clothes, everything had to be blue, she wanted her hair cut really short, and she would break into a wide grin every time someone mistook her for a boy.
We let it go and did not make a fuss. We bought her the boys’ clothes she wanted and took her to the barber’s. Many people expressed concern in the church, and even more so because we were church leaders. But we ignored it, and we let her live her life as Spider-Man. Lo and behold, when my daughter turned six, she decided she was a girl and wanted to be a girl. She is now an adult and very comfortable in her skin as a woman. One of the leftovers of her Spider-Man phase is her feisty spirit. When she was bullied in the church, she stood up for herself and refused to be mistreated.
My other daughter, who came out at the age of 27, never had a “boy phase”, so early childhood preferences are not always a prediction of the future. We have to tread gently with little kids. If they do not fit into gender stereotypes, it doesn’t mean we have to be fearful and react. Gender is much more complicated and on a spectrum than we like to think.
And let us hold our judgment. To be honest, we have bigger fish to fry these days. Queer people are not a threat. People always want to know if I am affirming. Yes, I am. I am affirming and accepting. We have real things to worry about in the church, such as sexual predators, financial impropriety, anger, lack of love, hypocrisy, lies, and bullying, to name a few. God will be the judge. I am not sitting on that throne. I have my own sins to worry about.
This: "One thing that comforts me is the fact that Jesus did not say anything about this, so if I do not say anything, I am in good company."
And this: "To be honest, we have bigger fish to fry these days. Queer people are not a threat. .... God will be the judge. I am not sitting on that throne. I have my own sins to worry about."
Very well said, Nadine. I'll be borrowing the "...I am in good company" line. Thank you for posting.
Thank you for this very sensitively put article Nadine. The issues you mentioned wrap themselves around all sorts of differences, such as classism-only children who can afford piano lessons and the like are called to do great things in church, the 'alpha child' you know the extraverts as opposed to the introverts are worshiped, racism- the child who comes from a Black background 'must' be poor ( especially those arriving from the continent of Africa), and not as intelligent as a white Christian child-these circumstances can be are used to 'other' people and used to sort of virtue signal a way into being 'amazing families, poster family' the pinacle of Christianity and the ones on show every Sunday( God forbid if your child moves away from church, as a family your opinion on family matters suddenly stops being sought after, and your descension down the 'moral ladder' is fast and furious). I am persuaded that the genda symtoms/lived experiences /feelings are somehow genetic, because the behaviour and feelings seem to be the same no matter the culture or the demographic. Something is happening that we do not understand ( and may well be a test from God to see how we love and how humble we are), and yet it's such an easy thing to target, ( like being Black, difficult to pretend otherwise ) and make a scapegoat, rather than focusiing on our persoanl sins. Jesus was kind to the marginalised and so should we. I'm convinced that we as humans, try to avoid our own shortcomings by hiding behing them and instead highlight that of others. It somehow makes us feel better about ourselves. This is my own opinion, it's ok to disagree with my thoughts.