"I Left my Toxic Church; Now What?"
This question has come up a lot, especially from young people, but not only from young people. After much spiritual wrangling, agonizing prayers, and many sleepless nights, many have made the painful decision to leave their toxic church. This may have come after years of misgivings, disappointments, and maybe abuse.
The initial feeling may be one of relief, of confusion, and a sense of freedom we never experienced before. Inevitably though, the question comes, ‘Now what?” And interestingly, many come to me with that question. So here are a few thoughts.
Even though I feel flattered you would come to me, I am not the source. I am only another human being wrestling with spiritual issues. What you do with your faith is your decision and your decision only. As we exit toxic religion and hyper-controlled groups, we still fall into the same habits. We do not trust our own judgment and the workings of the Holy Spirit in our souls.
If you really want some guidance (take it or leave it), I would encourage you to first take a pause. Stop. You do not need to decide anything right now. Sometimes, taking a break is the best thing you can do. Jesus himself often retreated to quiet and solitary places to figure out God’s will and his next steps. In our Western capitalist-based model of religion, doing nothing and deciding nothing feels wrong, but it may be what you need to do to start with.
Second, trust the guidance of the Holy Spirit. Talk to God and let Him lead. He will make it clear. Do not force the issue. Sometimes God is quiet. Sometimes, his voice is compelling. You will experience it in the peaceful moments, in the times you meditate and speak to God as a friend. I have experienced it multiple times myself. In fact, the biggest decisions I have made all came from the Holy Spirit, not from a human being.
After leaving a toxic church, people will take different paths, and we need to respect that. Some will decide Christianity is not for them after all. No matter our personal convictions, we need to respect that choice. People do not come to that decision lightly. They may have seen hypocrisy at close range, they may have experienced terrible trauma, and they cannot or do not wish to be associated with a religion that has done them so much harm. Right now, they need space.
Some will opt for therapy, some not. Some may not have that option at all due to financial constraints or the lack of good counselors in their part of the world. One thing for us to consider is giving our money to help someone with much-needed therapy.
Some will remain spiritual but not necessarily Christian. I can understand that. Christianity may feel so constricting. They need time to explore and figure out their faith.
Others will look around for a faith community that feels safe and fits their core values. That may require time, even years, and that’s okay in my opinion. Leaving a toxic church does not mean the grass is greener on the other side. In fact, many churches are toxic. Some may have weird doctrine, some may have low standards, some may be even more dysfunctional than what we left. Finding a good spiritual home may take time.
Some may have the skills and the inner drive to start their own house church. Kudos to them! That is no easy task but can be done. The house church movement is thriving right now, and there are many useful resources online. I wrote an article with some resources on that topic a little while ago.
Whatever your path may be, I pray you find peace. I personally decided I wanted to be a follower of Christ 42 years ago, and I stand by that choice. The church I was in was pulling me away from doing so, sadly, so I branched out. That was a very personal choice. I love Jesus and what he represents. I am a fan of small church right now. I love social justice, fighting for the poor, minorities, and the oppressed. I do not make excuses for it. I believe with all my heart that is what Jesus did and would want me to do. I pray my life leads others to follow Jesus also, but I will not force them, coerce them, or manipulate them. I was very effective at “leading” others to Christ over the years, but a lot of it was manipulation. I was an expert at using the Bible study series, and I could be very convincing. If my personal example is good enough, then it will be enough.
I also do not have to have an opinion or take a stand on every controversial matter. On some issues, I have an opinion, but I do not have to make everything public. On others, I am uncertain, and that’s okay. I am still figuring some things out myself, like the rest of us. Let us be kind and patient with each other. This world is a tough place right now. Let us build community around one another and remember that love is the most important thing.
I was part of the ICOC from about 1990 -2003. I stumbled across your blog recently. I left in 2003, not too long after reading the Henry Kriete letter. I too felt a sense of freedom at first and relief, as it made clear to me why I had so many misgivings about the church and why I often felt confused. He was able to put it all into words that made sense and confirmed many things for me. At the same time that I felt free, I also felt very lost, like the rug had been pulled out from under me. My husband and I stuck around a for a few months, but were not satisfied with what was going on around us. We believed that leadership did not really "get it" and I personally could not stomach listening to any preaching from any of the leaders anymore, so we left. A friend who had already left suggested another church group to me and I started to go there to check it out. I really didn't feel like going anywhere, but I did not want to completely abandon the faith, so I kind of forced myself to go to keep some connection. I did that for many months, carefully watching for red flags, now being that much more wise about spiritual things. I eventually started to heal and I became a member of that congregation. I am now with a different congregation, and continue to heal. One of the he biggest thing that I learned is to trust myself/ my instincts and to accept God's grace. After about 10 years I no longer live with guilt of not doing enough- reading enough, praying enough, reaching out to people enough, etc. I know that Christianity is not a checklist or a performance sport. I am still learning and healing, but I have come a long way.
I just have to share our story!
When we decided that we were DONE! We didn't know what we were going to do. We had visited some churched previously, but nothing had felt right. We were perfectly comfortable with managing our own relationships with Christ/God and finding something that worked for teenage children.
We have always allowed for the Spirit to guide us in big decisions. Never forcing it, nor being impatient. Well maybe not always, but that's who are now. I'm sure there were some mistakes made early on. I can think of one at least.
So, our story of after the ICOC starts with learning that an old friend that had left the church was dealing with a health issue and was having prayer vigil across town. We were fairly close as I had been the wedding coordinator for both her and her sister. So we made plans to be there for this. While there, we talked to the members of that church as they seemed like a possible fit. We discussed how they got established and they spoke about how another church was instrumental in their planting. This church they spoke of was literally next door to our apartment building.
They had taken over a dying church and started a new church. So we decided to check them out. The first thing we noticed was the that our family knew the lead minister and his family from the charter school our kids had attended. I had met the minister before but didn't know my wife and kids knew his family. Then the lesson was preached....it could have come from my own notes from the things I had been trying to teach our old church. So we went back. And it turns out that the leadership team and us are almost on the same page for what we want to build. My kids started loving going to church again.
All because we went to the prayer vigil and randomly asked about a different church