David describes so much of my church existence of 30 years.
“I left believing my trauma responses were sin and that my struggle to trust was rebellion. No one seemed to focus on what had happened to me. No one asked about the harm. They asked whether I had unforgiveness in my heart. That moment did not heal me. It deepened the shame.”
This is the scene that played on repeat for me for three decades, eventually culminating in a mental health crisis. Then I learned mental health crises are not treated nearly as compassionately as physical ones in the church. The treatment I received over the next few years hindered my recovery, and I had to leave. I lost everyone I had felt close to in that congregation, because it’s easier to label me bitter than to be supportive and acknowledge that my pain is valid, or advocate for any meaningful change or growth in the system.
“Accountability flows toward the powerful, not the wounded. But in spiritually abusive systems, that flow is often reversed.”
…yes, and when the wounded finally leave, it’s because they were “bitter,” not because they were exhausted from swimming against the tide for so long.
"Naming manipulation publicly" is what I've been doing and I had a leader (recently) call it "being on a crusade". I see, I am trying to make sense of my nervous system being on high alert for thirty years and the egregious ways I was coerced and because I'm talking about it in public, I'm the problem. Got it.
I can relate to most everything in this article. Church leadership is very good at labelling people, and not taking responsibility and they have convinced others to do the same. Thanks, Nadine, for sharing this. Along with "regular" Christians, I hope that this, and content like it, can be shared with current and former church leaders. Perhaps, it will increase and/or correct their understanding and lead to meaningful change in church leadership circles. (And not just ICOC churches.)
Everyone, Thank you for your courage. I just subscribed to his posts. I am in the midst of caring for my oldest handicapped brother, minor health challenges, and attempting to write and return to graduate school after four decades of being told I could not do so. I was so damaged by the exploitation, indoctrination, and manipulation of an abusive and profoundly destructive church that it has often been difficult for me to function. I have found solace and support from various writers, including Nadine, Shari, and others, and hope to post a list of additional writers who specialize in recovery from spiritual abuse that may be helpful to others. My heartfelt and sincere prayers for the full recovery of everyone reading this and everyone too damaged, shamed, and silenced to do so. Barbara
Excellent summation here: "The church does not become holy by silencing the wounded. It becomes holy by confronting harm, telling the truth, and protecting the vulnerable."
Man, this hit hard. I've heard so many of these phrases when Ieft. "A hardened heart." It's so manipulative, hurtful, and completely wrong.
Thanks you for this post. It took me years as a young adult to learn I wasn't bitter, I was in need of help. They just didn't want to provide it and preferred to blame me instead. That's all that is.
Everyone, I just discovered a book by an author that might be helpful to those seeking recovery.
"Escape to Freedom," written in 1941 by Erich Fromm, a German Jewish psychologist who fled Hitler's Nazi regime, describes the dynamics between authoritarian leaders and their followers, with various aspects of the relationship examined throughout the text. One quality attributed to leaders by followers is the belief that a leader is a "magical helper," with the ability to resolve every challenge, difficulty, and struggle of those following them. The principle can be applied to political, religious, and countless other groups. Examples of a "magical helper" in a spiritual context could be a World Sector Leader (WSL), Evangelist, Women's Ministry Leader (WML), or Discipling Partner. This is not to suggest that everyone with these titles perpetrated such a doctrine, or that everyone following them was helpless and victimized. However, the identical patterns routinely occurred among ministries around the globe for decades. Barbara
David describes so much of my church existence of 30 years.
“I left believing my trauma responses were sin and that my struggle to trust was rebellion. No one seemed to focus on what had happened to me. No one asked about the harm. They asked whether I had unforgiveness in my heart. That moment did not heal me. It deepened the shame.”
This is the scene that played on repeat for me for three decades, eventually culminating in a mental health crisis. Then I learned mental health crises are not treated nearly as compassionately as physical ones in the church. The treatment I received over the next few years hindered my recovery, and I had to leave. I lost everyone I had felt close to in that congregation, because it’s easier to label me bitter than to be supportive and acknowledge that my pain is valid, or advocate for any meaningful change or growth in the system.
“Accountability flows toward the powerful, not the wounded. But in spiritually abusive systems, that flow is often reversed.”
…yes, and when the wounded finally leave, it’s because they were “bitter,” not because they were exhausted from swimming against the tide for so long.
"Naming manipulation publicly" is what I've been doing and I had a leader (recently) call it "being on a crusade". I see, I am trying to make sense of my nervous system being on high alert for thirty years and the egregious ways I was coerced and because I'm talking about it in public, I'm the problem. Got it.
I can relate to most everything in this article. Church leadership is very good at labelling people, and not taking responsibility and they have convinced others to do the same. Thanks, Nadine, for sharing this. Along with "regular" Christians, I hope that this, and content like it, can be shared with current and former church leaders. Perhaps, it will increase and/or correct their understanding and lead to meaningful change in church leadership circles. (And not just ICOC churches.)
Everyone, Thank you for your courage. I just subscribed to his posts. I am in the midst of caring for my oldest handicapped brother, minor health challenges, and attempting to write and return to graduate school after four decades of being told I could not do so. I was so damaged by the exploitation, indoctrination, and manipulation of an abusive and profoundly destructive church that it has often been difficult for me to function. I have found solace and support from various writers, including Nadine, Shari, and others, and hope to post a list of additional writers who specialize in recovery from spiritual abuse that may be helpful to others. My heartfelt and sincere prayers for the full recovery of everyone reading this and everyone too damaged, shamed, and silenced to do so. Barbara
Excellent summation here: "The church does not become holy by silencing the wounded. It becomes holy by confronting harm, telling the truth, and protecting the vulnerable."
Man, this hit hard. I've heard so many of these phrases when Ieft. "A hardened heart." It's so manipulative, hurtful, and completely wrong.
Thanks you for this post. It took me years as a young adult to learn I wasn't bitter, I was in need of help. They just didn't want to provide it and preferred to blame me instead. That's all that is.
Appreciate your work very much. Subscribed! 👋
Thank you so much Nadine, I so needed to hear that!
Yup. All this.
Everyone, I just discovered a book by an author that might be helpful to those seeking recovery.
"Escape to Freedom," written in 1941 by Erich Fromm, a German Jewish psychologist who fled Hitler's Nazi regime, describes the dynamics between authoritarian leaders and their followers, with various aspects of the relationship examined throughout the text. One quality attributed to leaders by followers is the belief that a leader is a "magical helper," with the ability to resolve every challenge, difficulty, and struggle of those following them. The principle can be applied to political, religious, and countless other groups. Examples of a "magical helper" in a spiritual context could be a World Sector Leader (WSL), Evangelist, Women's Ministry Leader (WML), or Discipling Partner. This is not to suggest that everyone with these titles perpetrated such a doctrine, or that everyone following them was helpless and victimized. However, the identical patterns routinely occurred among ministries around the globe for decades. Barbara