The Elephant in the Room
Or Why Churches Need to Address the Obvious
It is staring us in the face. It is glaringly obvious. The stats say it, but we also need to just open our eyes. Churches are losing members; they are also losing money. And the people who are left, for the vast majority, are mostly disillusioned and pew warmers. Of course, there are sincere and engaged Christians in all churches, but they are the minority. And please, don’t try to argue with me on this. I speak with church leaders and church members around the world on a daily basis. I am not trying to shame anyone here. Simply highlighting the reality we all know, whether we admit it or not.
Scandals are popping up everywhere (no denomination is spared) — sexual scandals, stories of abuse, and financial misconduct. If Jesus came as “Undercover Boss” ( to quote a famous TV reality show), he would get out his whip and turn tables over.
So why are we not talking publicly about it in the very churches that are affected? Why are preachers silent? Why is it that the only ones talking about the obvious in an open way are bloggers, podcasters, and writers? I know there are a lot of hypocrites out there, but I also know there are a lot of godly, sincere church leaders trying their best to follow Jesus and lead their flocks. So why stay silent? Where is the courage and the care? Have we been conditioned to think that highlighting failure is a bad thing?
It really comes down to love. If we care about all the hurt people, all the church members who are leaving, why don’t we open up the discussion and talk? Most people do not leave because of sin. Most leave because the church does not reflect Jesus. So how about we all talk about it together, brainstorm, reflect, and change? I wrote a post recently on exit interviews, for example. Those would be really useful.
I would love to hear a sermon about the church crisis that does not blame the people who leave. I would love to hear some humility. Really, all it would take is for one church to stand out, lead the way, and be an example. Then others would follow. How about hiring an outside consulting organization specializing in church culture such as GRACE? We could learn a lot!
Some will say, “Well, the whole system is corrupt!”. Yes, there are deep systemic ills and a lot of corruption. Some denominations are beyond repair. But I also believe it is possible to have a righteous church where the leaders are not hypocrites and where we care for our communities more than we care about growth, numbers, contribution, or church buildings.
I remain hopeful. I am not sure what the solution is, but it cannot be that complicated. It will take courage. We are so used to being labeled as “rebellious” or “divisive” when we bring up concerns that we have been brainwashed into silence. We can love the church and speak up. In fact, it is a sign of love.
You say, “Well, my church is different.” Good for you. My next question is, why are you not speaking up and holding others accountable then? Isn’t iron supposed to sharpen iron?
Let me also address the members of the church. Leaders have a lot of power and influence, but so do the members. We may have been controlled into silence, but if we use our voices (and our wallets) we have power. We saw that in 2003 in the International Churches of Christ. I am not advocating for another 2003, but members of the church have more power than they realize. We can be loud and clear whilst remaining Christlike and respectful.
So please don’t be silent. Do not be complicit to a system that is guilty of so much abuse. No one can claim they are not aware. The stories of abuse are many and well-documented at this point. They are not unique to any one church, but they are rampant in the evangelical world. The church I was a part of for 40 years (International Churches of Christ) is rife with such accounts, and I suspect it is only the tip of the iceberg. Will we take a stand? Will we be courageous? Will we talk about the elephant?
Lots stood out, but especially...
It really comes down to love. If we care about all the hurt people, all the church members who are leaving, why don’t we open up the discussion and talk?
And...
I also believe it is possible to have a righteous church where the leaders are not hypocrites and where we care for our communities more than we care about growth, numbers, contribution, or church buildings
Here’s the thing: we did call it out. We had been for years, expressing our concerns as campus shepherds about those students struggling with the lack of communication and empathy from leadership, lack of empathy for mental and spiritual health of our young people , about the huge number leaving soon after they got out of campus. We were told we were too sentimental towards the sin of those young people and too critical of our leaders, we were told good leaders don’t apologize that would be admitting defeat. Later when we questioned the lack of good process re the eventual dismissal/resignation of a leader, my husband because of the stonewalling and his subsequent frustration was told he had an anger problem, we were told a year later that we were no longer being considered for eldership after attending 2 elders conferences and that it had been up to the leader who resigned to tell us the year prior not the lead evangelist - an entire year! When we , with several other BT leaders from 3 different regions, wrote letters to the leadership expressing our concerns with where our church was headed, we finally thought we were making headway. A well known conflict adviser in the church agreed to give us advice and even read our letter before we sent it, promised his support only to drop us like a hot potato when it got out that we had spoken to him. Our leaders claimed have to talked with every couple who wrote a letter but they never once spoke with us save for a very unsatisfactory ‘reconciliation ‘ talk with my husband as the lead evangelist was on his way to another position across the country and only at the prompting of another evangelist. So yeah, we have tried, we were extremely disheartened and while we haven’t lost faith that God can turn this church around if he wants to, our spiritual health is more important right now than diving back into the muck.