As I have been active in posting and using my voice in what some may consider a slightly controversial way, this question has come up a lot: “What about Mark? How does he feel about this? Does he agree with you?”. It is a fair question but I also chuckle at the curiosity. Part of me wants to say, “None of your business”, but I also understand why people would ask.
My first answer is, “Why don’t you ask him yourself?”. The question itself is very indicative of the church culture we come from. Husband and wife are viewed as a unit. Of course, on some level, that is biblical, but there is also another meaning behind the question. Due to our patriarchal system, the idea that a “wife” would use her voice as an individual, without her husband by her side, without his “permission” is unusual. So I want to be patient and give some perspective.
First of all, Mark and I have a strong marriage and we love and respect each other very much. We are a unit, yes, but we are not one person. We are two very different individuals with very different views on many things. Our core values are the same (our faith, our passion for service, our adventurous spirit, etc), but on so many topics we think differently, and we respect each other for that. Yes, it makes for lively family dinners but it keeps life interesting.
Mark and I grew up in very different environments. I come from a long line of French activists, and Mark grew up in conservative Arizona. We were both atheists before becoming Christians, but Mark is half-Jewish, so culturally, we come from different worlds. Mark is a scientist. I majored in literature. Mark is a very sensitive soul. I am known as “tough”, whatever that means. All of that to say that, even though we are married, and happily so, we are different creatures.
We have an egalitarian marriage and always have. In the church, especially in leadership, it was challenging. Let’s just say we got a lot of pushback. We both bring a lot to the table and we contribute equally. So to answer the initial question, Mark is very supportive of me, my writings, and my “activism”. He knew who he was marrying 38 years ago! I don’t usually hide what I think, lol.
And for those wondering if we are “still Christians”, yes, very much so. In fact, more than ever. Jesus is my role model and my hero. I want to walk in his footsteps and imitate him as well as I can. My husband is an amazing follower of Christ, completely sincere and devoted. It is also encouraging to be able to give back to our community after so many years of people in the church supporting us. We are grateful.
May I also remind everyone that speaking up and highlighting things that need to change does not mean we do not love the church. In fact I could argue that speaking up is done out of love and concern. And by that, I mean the church in general, not one particular denomination.
In evangelical and similar church cultures, we have been conditioned to not voice our concerns. When people have questions and point things out, they are usually told they are critical, negative, or even divisive, when actually they may be the ones who care the most. And so, many well-educated, accomplished church members who have a voice in their daily life outside of the church, remain quiet and silent in their church fellowships, feeling guilty they may be critical. What a shame and what a lost opportunity!
So to answer the initial question, Mark is fine. I am grateful to be married to a man who respects women and their opinions, and who stands with me while I do what I feel called to. Thank you for asking!