Bounded Choice

Or the Illusion of Choice

“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” James 1:5

I always prided myself in giving my children a choice. I was considered more open-minded than most parents in our church, being somewhat of a free spirit myself. My husband and I gave our children more freedom than most, and we felt good about that. We thought we were not putting too much unhealthy pressure, and we trusted our kids.

What a wake-up call it has been over the last couple of years! As young people raised in the church, as well as our own children, spoke up and shared in an articulate and intelligent way about their upbringing, we have learned about something called “bounded choice”.

Bounded choice is the illusion of choice. Yes, you are free to choose, but if you don’t choose what the group recommends or stands for, there are consequences. Yes, you can choose to get baptized or not, but if you don’t, you will go to Hell. Yes, you can choose to date someone outside of the church, but if you do, you will suffer. Yes, you can choose to miss a church service, but if you do, that shows you are really uncommitted. And many more examples. The brainwashing, the indoctrination over many years makes it so there is only the illusion of choice. Making the “wrong” choice leads to overwhelming guilt.

Those of us who were “converted from the world” and had formed our identities before joining a high-control organization or cult were better equipped at disagreeing or thinking independently. The children who were born in and grew up in it have a much harder time saying no, or even being able to make choices. I am not a psychologist, but having talked to large numbers of “kingdom kids” (young people raised in the church), I have come to realize many have not known how to make choices or think independently. They do not trust their own judgment. As a young lady told me this week, “Can I even think for myself?”

From infancy they were taught “right and wrong”, obedience the first time, submission to parents, teachers, and authorities. Going against advice or instructions was considered a sin. The words rebellion, opposition, and disobedience, were quickly used. Punishment (corporal or otherwise) would be swift. Everything was dictated: what they could read, and watch, who they could hang out with. In extreme cases, friendships with young people outside the church were frowned upon.

When they start dating, their relationship is scrutinized, gossiped about, and controlled. When they get married, their intimate life is probed into and discussed without boundaries. By the time they reach their mid-twenties, the damage is obvious.

No wonder many of these young people do not trust themselves. When they disagree, it is agonizing for them to say something. They are riddled with guilt and shame. I have said this before but I cannot count the number of young people raised in the church who feel lost and unable to function. Taking away the ability to make choices leads to incredible stress and other disastrous consequences.

Of course, those of us who raised these kids or led them did not realize the impact. I certainly did not. But now, we should know better. Enough young people are speaking up. The mental health toll is very convicting. And let us not blame social media or “the world”. That is a cop-out.

And as usual, you may say, “Not all young people are harmed by bounded choice”. True. But way too many. The more sensitive ones, the more empathetic kids, and dare I say many of the gifted kids tend to get affected in a greater way.

Bounded choice comes out of fear. I know it did for me. I gave my children the illusion of choice, but it was all very controlled. If they did not “choose” what I wanted them to choose, there would be discussions, and I would get my way. I was afraid they would go astray, get hurt by the world, etc. The truth is that they will do what they choose to do, be it now or later. The large numbers of “kingdom kids” walking away from the church in the late twenties and thirties is proof of that. So I need to be a lot more faithful, and not parent from fear.

Apologizing to my kids has been very healing to everyone. It is so very important for young people to feel validated when they bring things up. Gaslighting them or offering justification won’t cut it. And again my children have been incredibly gracious. I am grateful. It is never too late to re-examine our ways and repent. If you are a parent and reading this, forgive yourself. There can be so much guilt as we realize our mistakes. And if you are a leader in the church, please take my words to heart, and pray about what I am saying. Again, this is based on hundreds, if not thousands of conversations with young people raised in the church.

Note: I have not read this book yet, but it tackles this topic: “Bounded Choice: True Believers and Charismatic Cults” by Dr Janja Lalich