Don't Tell Me to Be Nice
The Toxic Culturally-Blind Tone Police
I am French. I communicate like a French person. We are direct and frank. Some may call us rude. That is all relative and very cultural. Singaporeans are also considered that way, along with various cultures around the world. When people listen to raucous interactions in an Italian household, or a Nigerian one, or one of the more exuberant cultures, they sometimes bristle. The decibel level can be deafening. Don’t assume they are angry. That is the way they talk.
Western evangelical Christianity is greatly influenced by the white US Southern culture. Women are expected to be submissive, thin, and sweet. They are expected to be impeccable in their presentation (clothes, makeup, and hair) and poised in their demeanor. Don’t forget the lipstick! They have to be polite, never raise their voices, and speak in a high-pitched baby tone.
I realize this is a bit of an exaggeration, but I cannot recall how many times I was told to tone it down, to not be so direct, to embellish my words with sweet nothings. My emails were often scrutinized for “tone” or a missing intro sentence full of flattery. Of course, no one wants to be rude or disrespectful. I strive to be kind and Christlike, but I also do not mince my words. And I do not apologize for that.
I know it has been said many times, but a man in the church can get away with being rude, harsh, and abusive. There is almost no accountability. It is all disguised under the term “strong leadership”. Women, on the other hand, are constantly monitored.
The interesting thing is that all those women who were conditioned to be “sweet” and friendly, to smile even when they didn’t feel like it, can also turn into the meanest and cruelest creatures ever. The manipulation I have witnessed at the hands of women leaders in the church is crazy. It is often passive-aggressive, which can be very confusing to someone who is not used to decoding that kind of communication.
So don’t tell women to be nice, please. Let us be kind and respectful (both men and women), but let us be honest and direct. That kind of “niceness” can be very deceitful and doesn’t build trust. And please, learn to be culturally aware. Different cultures communicate differently. Not everyone is a Southern belle who speaks in a squeaky voice. The prejudiced and racist undertones of such expectations are also not Christlike.
Was that direct enough? Lol.
Totally.....
"The prejudiced and racist undertones of such expectations are also not Christlike."
"Western evangelical Christianity is greatly influenced by the white US Southern culture. Women are expected to be submissive, thin, and sweet. They are expected to be impeccable in their presentation (clothes, makeup, and hair) and poised in their demeanor. Don’t forget the lipstick! They have to be polite, never raise their voices, and speak in a high-pitched baby tone."
The problem is that white culture is conflated with godliness and anyone who doesn't fir in with white culture is considered "too much"...
They never, ever think that they may possibly be "not enough"!!!!!!!
It's white, fake Christian Nationalism... not Christianity.
Nadine, you're absolutely right. In toxic church cultures, even men who try to speak up often face backlash. It's part of a broader pattern of control — a coping mechanism the system uses to silence truth and preserve power. It usually follows a predictable cycle: first, “Who told you?” Then, the messenger is discredited. And when that doesn't work, the focus shifts to tone — “You're not being respectful.” It’s a way to deflect, avoid accountability, and employ whataboutery to shift attention.
Psychologist Dr. Jennifer Freyd describes this well in her concept of institutional betrayal — when trusted institutions (like churches) harm those who rely on them by covering up abuse, punishing those who speak out, and protecting the powerful. Her book Blind to Betrayal (co-authored with Pamela J. Birrell) offers profound insight into how both individuals and institutions use gaslighting and silencing to maintain control.