The Vasectomy Story

We are moving countries, and as my husband was throwing away old papers, he came across a letter for a vasectomy appointment dating back to 1997. I had pretty much forgotten about that, but against the backdrop of this Substack, I thought the story was worth telling.

Mark and I were 35 years old at the time. We had three children, and our family seemed complete. In those days, having three kids in the full-time ministry was the absolute maximum “allowed”. You had to give to the church and prioritize the ministry after all! Little consideration was given to the diverse range of families and the diverse range of skills. Mark and I are very organized, and we can handle multiple children. We were hard workers and in good health, so the ministry would not “suffer”.

As staff members, we would go to frequent “discipleship groups”, which were supposed to be for training and mentoring, but more often than not, were manipulation and bullying sessions. We were part of a global group, and the leader of that group decided that we had had enough children, and therefore, Mark should have a vasectomy. Other men in the group had had one, including the leader, so that was the norm and the expectation.

Of course, the other men in the group agreed and put pressure on Mark. He gave in and came home to tell me about it. I was not happy! There was no discussion, and I was not consulted before the men made that decision for our family. Getting a vasectomy at the age of 35 is a big deal and something to be considered wisely. The idea had never crossed our minds anyway. Mark and I had not made final decisions about our family.

The pressure was so much that Mark had already made an appointment. That is when I put my foot down. You also have to understand that we lived in parts of the world where we had risked our lives and that of our children for the sake of the mission, so there was always the possibility of one of our children dying. We had been caught in a civil war in Bangladesh, faced intense persecution in India, and my three children had all had life-threatening diseases by the time they were three years old (malaria, typhoid, dysentery, etc), so losing a child was within the realm of possibilities.

I was also aware of the fact that one of us could die, so if I were to be killed or die of a dangerous disease, we were young enough that I wanted Mark to have the option to marry again and have more children. I am very pragmatic like that!

So I said, “No way!”. And Mark agreed with me. He actually did not want to have a vasectomy. He was pressured into it and gave in. He canceled the appointment. Praise God! We then decided we wanted another child, and we had our wonderful fourth baby four years later. Not related to the vasectomy, but we also adopted one more child at the age of 50. I love kids. I love my big family, and I love having a house full of life.

And before you jump all over Mark and blame him for saying yes, how many of us caved in over the years? Some leaders are very persuasive and manipulative. I certainly did that to others myself. I do not blame people for not standing up to me. I tend to be a little more resilient than most, so I have a slightly easier time saying no and standing my ground, but Mark is a sensitive, guilt-driven soul, as are many people in the church. We obviously talked through it as a couple afterwards.

And then people ask me why I write the things I do. This stuff is real and is super cultish. The lack of boundaries, the arrogance, the disrespect. I think of all the people who maybe did not have the strength to say no. I have friends who wish they had had more children. Oh, and the man who gave that terrible advice is the same person who sexually assaulted my friends. I am so glad I did not listen to the “advice”.

Does this stuff still happen? You bet. Not everywhere, I concede, but the DNA is still the same. Just five years ago, one of my kids was told that the person they were dating was not good enough for them, and they should break up. They have now been married for four years and are thriving. This is not pre-2003, people! This is happening today!

Advice is good, but it is just that - advice. At the end of the day, we make our own decisions, and we face the consequences, good or bad. And when it comes to very personal decisions, that is what they are - personal decisions.