When the Bedroom Becomes the Battlefield: A Response to One Pastor’s Sermon on ‘Biblical' Sex

A Repost from my Friend Roy's Substack (with Comments)

As I build a community with like-minded writers (not that I would call myself a “writer” as such), I come across articles that are so well put together that I don’t feel the need to create something from scratch. Some of these writers express concepts much better than I would, so here you go. My friend Roy, of Clemenz With a “Z” (one of my favorite podcasts and Substacks), wrote this article, “When the Bedroom Becomes the Battlefield”. Please check it out. It is so good!

I would often cringe through sermons on marriage. I am not a prude, but the gratuitous salaciousness was embarrassing. Many of those lessons reeked of toxic patriarchy. Men were encouraged to be studs, manly (whatever that meant), read books on being tough men, etc. Many of the remarks were demeaning and objectifying to women. To be fair, I only ever heard such sermons in the US.

There was so much pressure put on couples to have sex several times a week. Daily was the golden goal. Couples would boast about how they had sex every day. That seemed like such an unattainable goal! Sex became a burden and yet another “stat” on top of evangelism goals, praying, and reading your Bible every day, being fit and slim, a domestic goddess, etc.

If the wife said no, the husband would inevitably be tempted to be unfaithful and/or be addicted to porn. That was the ultimate threat. Fear-based tactics. Referring to my recent post on boundaries, intrusive questions would be asked about how many times we did the deed. It was gross and humiliating.

The sad thing is that this led to much dysfunction in many marriages. In extreme cases (and I hear the stories), these toxic teachings covered up sex addiction and adultery. If a man demands sex every day, even if his wife is reluctant, that’s a problem. Roy talks about the lack of consent. Sadly, marital rape is a real thing in the church, and much more common than we assume.

I believe that this kind of teaching is less common nowadays, but with the resurgence of “trad wives” and other dubious teachings, let us be wary. Marriage is a respectful partnership, a loving covenant, not another opportunity to hurt one another.