I know we’ve discussed this previously and how lives have been devastated by SA. I know some of the victims are no longer with us due to the pain of carrying such a heavy burden. it’s heartbreaking and disgusting at the same time that in most of these cases, justice has not
been done. I know God calls us to forgiveness, but this would be a hard one for me…
one of my best friends daughters ended her life after years of abuse and then many more years of not having it addressed! it’s shameful! and the worst part is, the arrogance of some of these leaders!
when I explained why I was leaving the congregation (not God) the response was: “ well you know there’s no perfect church”! Shame on you! Do better!
2 of my friends confessed their sins to get healed James 5:16. And they were disfellowshiped. These 2 regular disciples who weren’t leaders or pastor’s pets,
who are adults, and consentually sinned with other adults were kicked out. Why don’t we do the same with pastors, elders, leaders? Jesus confronted the Pharisees.
I hate the double standards.
Thanks for your courage. And for exposing EVERYTHING!!! Whenever I tried to expose things in my former ICOC, I was labeled as critical, or “she is not doing well spiritually”. (I didn’t have a voice)
But in Galatians 2:11-14, when Paul confronted Peter because he was acting inconsistently with the gospel, no one labeled Paul as critical or unspiritual. Paul was actually building up the church.
Nadine, thank you soooo much. What you are doing is really valuable & important.
Keep up the GOOD work! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
There's so much I could say on this. But it's as if the entire fellowship adopts the mentality of the narcissistic abuser sometimes. And in that, they simply live in a separate reality from truth, where they simply cannot be the cause of anything wrong. They cannot be the source of bad things. THEY are the benefactor of good. So when you present factual, undeniable evidence to them, they enter into different kinds of deflection and cognitive dissonance to avoid it.
They also struggle with this kind of conflict avoidance. Oh yeah, we can pick off the weaker ones among us with shame and fear. But to actually challenge the power base? This shatters the illusion of our ideas of the 'perfection' we are part of. Then we cast it off, with a statement of, "no church is perfect", while in their heads, they believe they are still better than other churches, and surely they will not expose THEIR church to such scandals and lower THEIR church in any way.
Performance model Christianity. Performance begs one to compare. Comparison breeds competition. Competition invites so much sinful behavior. And from there, they justify it because they are doing it for God.
I really believe that deep down, most of these male leaders (with some profound exceptions, of course) subscribe to the “boys will be boys” mentality. In my efforts to try to help some abused women in my congregation, there was an honest look of bewilderment on my elder’s face, this sense that I was in the wrong for not understanding how hard it is for men to not abuse women. But, hey, let’s keep putting them in leadership because of their charisma and because men have to be above women, right? Isn’t that what the Bible teaches? It’s appalling and I want nothing to do with a church that won’t even examine the obvious fruit of their actions.
In a charismatic leader-centric culture, it can be difficult to get leaders to discipline their peers. The elders responsible for maintaining the integrity of the system in particular may feel beholden to those they are charged with holding accountable. A common explanation for this kind of failure to act is that leaders do not want to “discourage” followers by being transparent about the extent of the wrong that has occurred. Sadly, even when “discipline” occurs, it may be done without disclosure to those who suffered. This can leave survivors feeling that they have done something wrong and/or are even responsible, as is often case with children whose parents divorce. Unfortunately, a failure to publicly acknowledge wrongdoing is more likely to leave those who have suffered from bad behavior with untreated trauma because the system appears to condone it. This pattern in some cases has been described as “hiding in plain sight.” Many may be aware of it but it goes unchallenged. The discipline and repentance often required of many who are not leaders is often absent for the leaders.
With all due respect, those names need to be named! I do not doubt your claims. However, your statements lead only to speculation as to who the perpetrator(s) is(are). Many leaders in the ICOC/ICC could fit your description. Furthermore, many of us still associate with those congregations. We and the rest of the world deserve to know exactly who you’re talking about. Take encouragement from Julie Roys’ article that named names.
Thank you for your feedback. I hear you but that is where I stand right now. Again this is a systemic issue, not one particular case. I am very familiar with Julie’s work.
Thank you for consistently writing about this. Especially about the cowardly knuckleheads that ignore the abuse and refuse to hold their friends and relatives who were the assailants accountable. Instead of being called “ICOC” (International Churches of Christ), I call it “CWN” (Church of Wholly Nepotism).
[10] For the kind of sorrow God wants us to experience leads us away from sin and results in salvation. There’s no regret for that kind of sorrow. But worldly sorrow, which lacks repentance, results in spiritual death.
[11] Just see what this godly sorrow produced in you! Such earnestness, such concern to clear yourselves, such indignation, such alarm, such longing to see me, such zeal, and such a readiness to punish wrong. You showed that you have done everything necessary to make things right.
Simply a total lack of godly sorrow. This scripture, drummed into us to and used make sure we prove our reprentance often in humiliating 'breaking' sessions. Regardless it's clear what God expects. Worldly sorrow 'protects' self, position, reputation. What is 'the Church's if it does not include and protect the most vulnerable. Show me who you are by how you treat those who can do nothing for you.
It's so sickening and I tolerated years and years of systemic problems but reading the abuse lawsuits and hearing of the damage done to do many was irreconcilable with my faith and how I believe Jesus lived and led. As far as I am concerned this religious organisation is rotten to the core.
Godd people continue to try and address things but in the end I left to try and recover from a very damaging and toxic church that shows little intention of addressing wrong...IE repentance.
About a year ago I asked a former World Sector Leader to help someone he publicly called a friend who had gone through horrendous abuse (and his entire family)--I asked him to look into this and bring attention to it publicly. His friend had been high up in the ministry--the response I got from the WSL--on Facebook, for all to see, was "I don't know what you're talking about and don't tell me anymore." I responded he could pick up the phone and call his friend and find out what I'm talking about but no response. All on his "friend's" Facebook page for all to see.
I know we’ve discussed this previously and how lives have been devastated by SA. I know some of the victims are no longer with us due to the pain of carrying such a heavy burden. it’s heartbreaking and disgusting at the same time that in most of these cases, justice has not
been done. I know God calls us to forgiveness, but this would be a hard one for me…
one of my best friends daughters ended her life after years of abuse and then many more years of not having it addressed! it’s shameful! and the worst part is, the arrogance of some of these leaders!
when I explained why I was leaving the congregation (not God) the response was: “ well you know there’s no perfect church”! Shame on you! Do better!
Ah, the “no perfect church” card. One of the favorite thought-terminating clichés of the ICOC.
Sure, “there’s no perfect church”. But the church should NOT be toxic or destructive.
Churches are spiritual hospitals where we should get better and healed. Not end the lives of young people.
Yes, the consequences are devastating.
He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy
Proverbs 28:13
Wow!!! 😱
2 of my friends confessed their sins to get healed James 5:16. And they were disfellowshiped. These 2 regular disciples who weren’t leaders or pastor’s pets,
who are adults, and consentually sinned with other adults were kicked out. Why don’t we do the same with pastors, elders, leaders? Jesus confronted the Pharisees.
I hate the double standards.
Thanks for your courage. And for exposing EVERYTHING!!! Whenever I tried to expose things in my former ICOC, I was labeled as critical, or “she is not doing well spiritually”. (I didn’t have a voice)
But in Galatians 2:11-14, when Paul confronted Peter because he was acting inconsistently with the gospel, no one labeled Paul as critical or unspiritual. Paul was actually building up the church.
Nadine, thank you soooo much. What you are doing is really valuable & important.
Keep up the GOOD work! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Thank you. You are absolutely right.
There's so much I could say on this. But it's as if the entire fellowship adopts the mentality of the narcissistic abuser sometimes. And in that, they simply live in a separate reality from truth, where they simply cannot be the cause of anything wrong. They cannot be the source of bad things. THEY are the benefactor of good. So when you present factual, undeniable evidence to them, they enter into different kinds of deflection and cognitive dissonance to avoid it.
They also struggle with this kind of conflict avoidance. Oh yeah, we can pick off the weaker ones among us with shame and fear. But to actually challenge the power base? This shatters the illusion of our ideas of the 'perfection' we are part of. Then we cast it off, with a statement of, "no church is perfect", while in their heads, they believe they are still better than other churches, and surely they will not expose THEIR church to such scandals and lower THEIR church in any way.
Performance model Christianity. Performance begs one to compare. Comparison breeds competition. Competition invites so much sinful behavior. And from there, they justify it because they are doing it for God.
I really believe that deep down, most of these male leaders (with some profound exceptions, of course) subscribe to the “boys will be boys” mentality. In my efforts to try to help some abused women in my congregation, there was an honest look of bewilderment on my elder’s face, this sense that I was in the wrong for not understanding how hard it is for men to not abuse women. But, hey, let’s keep putting them in leadership because of their charisma and because men have to be above women, right? Isn’t that what the Bible teaches? It’s appalling and I want nothing to do with a church that won’t even examine the obvious fruit of their actions.
That is terrible. It is systemic indeed.
In a charismatic leader-centric culture, it can be difficult to get leaders to discipline their peers. The elders responsible for maintaining the integrity of the system in particular may feel beholden to those they are charged with holding accountable. A common explanation for this kind of failure to act is that leaders do not want to “discourage” followers by being transparent about the extent of the wrong that has occurred. Sadly, even when “discipline” occurs, it may be done without disclosure to those who suffered. This can leave survivors feeling that they have done something wrong and/or are even responsible, as is often case with children whose parents divorce. Unfortunately, a failure to publicly acknowledge wrongdoing is more likely to leave those who have suffered from bad behavior with untreated trauma because the system appears to condone it. This pattern in some cases has been described as “hiding in plain sight.” Many may be aware of it but it goes unchallenged. The discipline and repentance often required of many who are not leaders is often absent for the leaders.
Totally agree.
Nadine,
With all due respect, those names need to be named! I do not doubt your claims. However, your statements lead only to speculation as to who the perpetrator(s) is(are). Many leaders in the ICOC/ICC could fit your description. Furthermore, many of us still associate with those congregations. We and the rest of the world deserve to know exactly who you’re talking about. Take encouragement from Julie Roys’ article that named names.
Thank you for your feedback. I hear you but that is where I stand right now. Again this is a systemic issue, not one particular case. I am very familiar with Julie’s work.
This is so awful! He came to Boston? Thank you for exposing this so so sick!🤢
Yes he was leading the Boston church for many years.
Thank you for consistently writing about this. Especially about the cowardly knuckleheads that ignore the abuse and refuse to hold their friends and relatives who were the assailants accountable. Instead of being called “ICOC” (International Churches of Christ), I call it “CWN” (Church of Wholly Nepotism).
I am heartsick for the women who have been betrayed over and over again.
I don't even know what to say....
2 Corinthians 7:10-11 NLT
[10] For the kind of sorrow God wants us to experience leads us away from sin and results in salvation. There’s no regret for that kind of sorrow. But worldly sorrow, which lacks repentance, results in spiritual death.
[11] Just see what this godly sorrow produced in you! Such earnestness, such concern to clear yourselves, such indignation, such alarm, such longing to see me, such zeal, and such a readiness to punish wrong. You showed that you have done everything necessary to make things right.
https://bible.com/bible/116/2co.7.10-11.NLTz
Simply a total lack of godly sorrow. This scripture, drummed into us to and used make sure we prove our reprentance often in humiliating 'breaking' sessions. Regardless it's clear what God expects. Worldly sorrow 'protects' self, position, reputation. What is 'the Church's if it does not include and protect the most vulnerable. Show me who you are by how you treat those who can do nothing for you.
It's so sickening and I tolerated years and years of systemic problems but reading the abuse lawsuits and hearing of the damage done to do many was irreconcilable with my faith and how I believe Jesus lived and led. As far as I am concerned this religious organisation is rotten to the core.
Godd people continue to try and address things but in the end I left to try and recover from a very damaging and toxic church that shows little intention of addressing wrong...IE repentance.
Thank you again for fighting the good fight.
I agree with you. It is so disappointing.
And confusing...what have they been preaching all these years?
About a year ago I asked a former World Sector Leader to help someone he publicly called a friend who had gone through horrendous abuse (and his entire family)--I asked him to look into this and bring attention to it publicly. His friend had been high up in the ministry--the response I got from the WSL--on Facebook, for all to see, was "I don't know what you're talking about and don't tell me anymore." I responded he could pick up the phone and call his friend and find out what I'm talking about but no response. All on his "friend's" Facebook page for all to see.
😱