In the churches I was in, it is no longer happening like this. But it certainly happened “back in the day,” and I’m still paying the toll it took on my health (physical, mental, and spiritual).
Some of us came out of high-control, demanding, abusive families. Our problem was deeper than just not knowing how to say no. Our nervous systems were already conditioned to jump at every command; the subconscious fear and guilt of not “obeying” were unbearable. For us, love and fear were inextricably commingled in a way that others cannot grasp. For me, not obeying as a child resulted in severe physical and mental punishment. In the church, the stakes became even higher - harsh eternal torment in hell. The impact, largely subconscious, had a detrimental effect that continued to impact my heath for decades after the church demands ended.
I remember a leader’s meeting back in the 90’s where our church leader berated all of us over our poor “stats” for the week. Not enough visitors at church, not enough Bible studies, etc. This was held out as evidence that we were all lazy and wicked and didn’t care enough about all the people going to hell. He yelled, “You’ll have time to rest in heaven!” This is just one of countless examples of fear and guilt being used to intimidate and manipulate members into working ourselves to death. My health was already declining by this point, (debilitating chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia), so guilt trips like this just added to the load I was already carrying. I eventually stopped jumping through the hoops (it took a bit longer to stop carrying guilt about that), but I still observe other people working themselves into poor health even now.
Today, while demands like these may not be overtly happening, there still exists something I call “echoes” of the old days, especially in the younger ministries. Less openly demanding, more subtle, but still guilt-evoking expectations. My daughter has experienced this in the campus and young adult ministries she’s been in, and I have noticed it in other areas too.
There’s so much more I could say about this, but this comment is already long. I’ve recently started my own Substack about how I was affected by my time in the church. It’s been complicated and cumbersome to wrestle through.
There's another form of sleep deprivation: spouses MUST sleep in the same bed—even if one snores heavily and the other is a light sleeper. I remember one time a woman in my BT at the time was sleeping in the basement because their house was so hot over the summer, but she had to return to the bedroom on the main level because that was where her husband preferred sleeping. Why is unconscious time together more important than the health of one spouse (usually the wife)?
I was so similar to you Nadine. I was naturally resilient AND trained to be this way through a childhood and then being in the military. I could keep up with the pace, and naturally being a workaholic/perfectionist, I adapted quickly in the early years. It was only later when I found that I was deeply unsatisfied and sinking into depression AGAIN, just as had before I became a Christian, did I recognize something was 'off'. Later, as my health tanked. After all those years of abusing my body, I was quick to say NO. Now? I can't do anything that I want in regard to serving, helping, being physically engaged in anything. Even the smallest amount of social activity can be too much and set off a migraine, exhaust me, or I lose my voice quickly. Oh, to have those years back so I could have done it 'right' and measured and perhaps have more of ME still now.
Thanks for sharing something that hits so close to home Nadine. This almost perfectly encapsulates one of the biggest reasons for why i made the decision to leave for the sake of my own mental and physical health. It was only through therapy that I learnt to respect my physical and mental limits, and that constantly living in exhaustion and borderline misery was not what Jesus emulated in the scriptures. The pain of leaving still weighs in my heart even after a year since my departure, but I’m happy to say that I’ve learned to enjoy life for once since then…
I remember the pace. One Scripture used to “motivate” us was, “How long will you lie there, you sluggard? When will you get up from your sleep? A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest, and poverty will break in on you like a bandit and slavery like an armed man.” Proverbs 6:9-11. Although I never heard, “It’s a sin to take a nap,” I started feeling like it.
I remember all-night prayers. One year our spring banquet and the Gainesville ladies’ day were back to back. I was in Tallahassee at the time. The leadership had chartered a bus to take us all there and take us back. The banquet ended late . . . but we had to get up early in order to make it to Gainesville on time.
The point where I knew there was no way out was when I told a prayer partner, I want to work on other areas of my life and not worry about having visitors. Her response: I think you ought to expect to have visitors.
I deal with a number of chronic disorders: possible adrenal fatigue, although that seems to have gotten better over the years; a bladder disorder called interstitial cystitis, depression, anxiety, and OCD. The latter three, I had before I got into the movement but the movement definitely exacerbated it. (I’m also dealing with sleep apnea, type 2 diabetes - that’s due to a poor diet and lack of exercise - and statis dermatitis, due to poor circulation in my legs.) The IC was diagnosed in 1991.
I’ve read where they may be a link between chronic pelvic pain - which I have as part of the IC - and past trauma, which I experienced from being bullied as a child and definitely experienced from my movement days. When I read that, I got very, very angry. I am dealing with a lifelong disease possibly because of inflicted stress. The possible adrenal fatigue I have, I think that may have also come from stress. Yesterday I had surgery where part of my bladder lining was fulgurated; i.e. my doc used an electric current to destroy abnormal tissue in hopes it would grow back normal. I don’t expect this to be a cure but maybe it will give me some pain relief.
As a motivated person I did far more than was healthy in my first decade as a Christian. I only ever led a small group and could not imagine how I would be able to do even more as a staff member. Doing too much was one of the causes of the ME/CFS that I developed and have been living with for the last 25 years. I've now retired early so I can have a better balance in my life, with an emphasis on loving God and my friends on a deep level. I also want to use the opportunity to help other overcomers inside and outside the church.
I'm pleased to say my local congregation is excellent at allowing me to live the way I think God wants me to. There is one leader that would like to micro-manage my schedule but I'm now strong enough not to be bullied into that. I do fear for the damage this person may be doing to people that feel less able to stand up for themselves.
I remember being a part of campus ministry, I started working graveyard shift while taking time off from college. When I shared this with my new dp (my previous dp knew and we had no issues), I was told, "that's good because you'll be available during the day." From the way that the statement was said, I knew that she meant that I'd be available all day long. So, I corrected her and told her I still have to sleep. Her response was what I thought at the time was a sad, "oh" as if she didn't think of that. I realized later that she did but was hoping I wouldn't and thought she'd be able to take advantage of me. From there it was suggested that I could sleep in the evenings on my nights off and then be available during those days as well as the day that I go back to work. I explained that's going to mess up my sleeping schedule and I would still need to rest before starting my first shift back to work. I was ignored and expected to meet whenever she wanted at any given time along with regular meetings and events. And begrudgingly, I did. I eventually went to our campus wml believing that she was side with me on this issue because she was a doctor. I was told by her that I didn't need that much sleep. My response was, "because I'm young?..." The wml said "no, we as humans don't need that much sleep. There's been studies on it." I was in disbelief. Why would she lie? Why was she lying to me as a fellow sister in the faith? Why was she lying as a doctor who should know the importance of sleep? I'm not a confrontational person, so what was there for me to say? Due to me being late for work more than once and falling asleep during my shift, I stopped going to Friday and Saturday events. When asked I explained it and moved on. Shortly after that, still sleep deprived and needing time to prepare for my Wednesday shift, I stopped going to midweek services. I set a boundary and told my dp that I needed 12 to 24-hour heads up when she wanted to meet and I had no problem meeting before midweek as well as Sunday after church. I was told by her that would not work because they needed to see me during the week. I started telling her I couldn't meet with her because I needed to sleep/rest and started to either unplug or silence my phone and put my answering machine in a drawer so I wouldn't be disturbed. I left that summer due to multiple issues with that group including the above along with her violating my personal space.
Thanks for sharing.
So sad... and humanistic, white, western culture..."never-ending quest for numerical growth".
Jesud wasn't that way.
Jesus... typo in my comment. Couldn't correct
In the churches I was in, it is no longer happening like this. But it certainly happened “back in the day,” and I’m still paying the toll it took on my health (physical, mental, and spiritual).
Some of us came out of high-control, demanding, abusive families. Our problem was deeper than just not knowing how to say no. Our nervous systems were already conditioned to jump at every command; the subconscious fear and guilt of not “obeying” were unbearable. For us, love and fear were inextricably commingled in a way that others cannot grasp. For me, not obeying as a child resulted in severe physical and mental punishment. In the church, the stakes became even higher - harsh eternal torment in hell. The impact, largely subconscious, had a detrimental effect that continued to impact my heath for decades after the church demands ended.
I remember a leader’s meeting back in the 90’s where our church leader berated all of us over our poor “stats” for the week. Not enough visitors at church, not enough Bible studies, etc. This was held out as evidence that we were all lazy and wicked and didn’t care enough about all the people going to hell. He yelled, “You’ll have time to rest in heaven!” This is just one of countless examples of fear and guilt being used to intimidate and manipulate members into working ourselves to death. My health was already declining by this point, (debilitating chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia), so guilt trips like this just added to the load I was already carrying. I eventually stopped jumping through the hoops (it took a bit longer to stop carrying guilt about that), but I still observe other people working themselves into poor health even now.
Today, while demands like these may not be overtly happening, there still exists something I call “echoes” of the old days, especially in the younger ministries. Less openly demanding, more subtle, but still guilt-evoking expectations. My daughter has experienced this in the campus and young adult ministries she’s been in, and I have noticed it in other areas too.
There’s so much more I could say about this, but this comment is already long. I’ve recently started my own Substack about how I was affected by my time in the church. It’s been complicated and cumbersome to wrestle through.
Your story is pretty typical. Sadly it is still happening these days, maybe not everywhere but in too many places.
This reminds me so much of my campus days.
There's another form of sleep deprivation: spouses MUST sleep in the same bed—even if one snores heavily and the other is a light sleeper. I remember one time a woman in my BT at the time was sleeping in the basement because their house was so hot over the summer, but she had to return to the bedroom on the main level because that was where her husband preferred sleeping. Why is unconscious time together more important than the health of one spouse (usually the wife)?
People need agency over where they sleep. The church has no business micromanaging people's sleeping arrangements.
I was so similar to you Nadine. I was naturally resilient AND trained to be this way through a childhood and then being in the military. I could keep up with the pace, and naturally being a workaholic/perfectionist, I adapted quickly in the early years. It was only later when I found that I was deeply unsatisfied and sinking into depression AGAIN, just as had before I became a Christian, did I recognize something was 'off'. Later, as my health tanked. After all those years of abusing my body, I was quick to say NO. Now? I can't do anything that I want in regard to serving, helping, being physically engaged in anything. Even the smallest amount of social activity can be too much and set off a migraine, exhaust me, or I lose my voice quickly. Oh, to have those years back so I could have done it 'right' and measured and perhaps have more of ME still now.
Thank you for sharing. The toll is real.
Thanks for sharing something that hits so close to home Nadine. This almost perfectly encapsulates one of the biggest reasons for why i made the decision to leave for the sake of my own mental and physical health. It was only through therapy that I learnt to respect my physical and mental limits, and that constantly living in exhaustion and borderline misery was not what Jesus emulated in the scriptures. The pain of leaving still weighs in my heart even after a year since my departure, but I’m happy to say that I’ve learned to enjoy life for once since then…
Very true....we just can't let go of control and trust the Holy Spirit... If God chose you then he will keep you safe....
I remember the pace. One Scripture used to “motivate” us was, “How long will you lie there, you sluggard? When will you get up from your sleep? A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest, and poverty will break in on you like a bandit and slavery like an armed man.” Proverbs 6:9-11. Although I never heard, “It’s a sin to take a nap,” I started feeling like it.
I remember all-night prayers. One year our spring banquet and the Gainesville ladies’ day were back to back. I was in Tallahassee at the time. The leadership had chartered a bus to take us all there and take us back. The banquet ended late . . . but we had to get up early in order to make it to Gainesville on time.
The point where I knew there was no way out was when I told a prayer partner, I want to work on other areas of my life and not worry about having visitors. Her response: I think you ought to expect to have visitors.
I deal with a number of chronic disorders: possible adrenal fatigue, although that seems to have gotten better over the years; a bladder disorder called interstitial cystitis, depression, anxiety, and OCD. The latter three, I had before I got into the movement but the movement definitely exacerbated it. (I’m also dealing with sleep apnea, type 2 diabetes - that’s due to a poor diet and lack of exercise - and statis dermatitis, due to poor circulation in my legs.) The IC was diagnosed in 1991.
I’ve read where they may be a link between chronic pelvic pain - which I have as part of the IC - and past trauma, which I experienced from being bullied as a child and definitely experienced from my movement days. When I read that, I got very, very angry. I am dealing with a lifelong disease possibly because of inflicted stress. The possible adrenal fatigue I have, I think that may have also come from stress. Yesterday I had surgery where part of my bladder lining was fulgurated; i.e. my doc used an electric current to destroy abnormal tissue in hopes it would grow back normal. I don’t expect this to be a cure but maybe it will give me some pain relief.
The damage due to unrelenting schedules amounts to abuse. So sorry you experienced all that.
I am so sorry you experienced this. The anger and grief over inflicted health issues are very real and very valid. I feel it, and I see you.
Thanks for your extremely honest articles Nadine.
As a motivated person I did far more than was healthy in my first decade as a Christian. I only ever led a small group and could not imagine how I would be able to do even more as a staff member. Doing too much was one of the causes of the ME/CFS that I developed and have been living with for the last 25 years. I've now retired early so I can have a better balance in my life, with an emphasis on loving God and my friends on a deep level. I also want to use the opportunity to help other overcomers inside and outside the church.
I'm pleased to say my local congregation is excellent at allowing me to live the way I think God wants me to. There is one leader that would like to micro-manage my schedule but I'm now strong enough not to be bullied into that. I do fear for the damage this person may be doing to people that feel less able to stand up for themselves.
Thank you for sharing. I am no doctor but the health impacts are obvious.
I remember being a part of campus ministry, I started working graveyard shift while taking time off from college. When I shared this with my new dp (my previous dp knew and we had no issues), I was told, "that's good because you'll be available during the day." From the way that the statement was said, I knew that she meant that I'd be available all day long. So, I corrected her and told her I still have to sleep. Her response was what I thought at the time was a sad, "oh" as if she didn't think of that. I realized later that she did but was hoping I wouldn't and thought she'd be able to take advantage of me. From there it was suggested that I could sleep in the evenings on my nights off and then be available during those days as well as the day that I go back to work. I explained that's going to mess up my sleeping schedule and I would still need to rest before starting my first shift back to work. I was ignored and expected to meet whenever she wanted at any given time along with regular meetings and events. And begrudgingly, I did. I eventually went to our campus wml believing that she was side with me on this issue because she was a doctor. I was told by her that I didn't need that much sleep. My response was, "because I'm young?..." The wml said "no, we as humans don't need that much sleep. There's been studies on it." I was in disbelief. Why would she lie? Why was she lying to me as a fellow sister in the faith? Why was she lying as a doctor who should know the importance of sleep? I'm not a confrontational person, so what was there for me to say? Due to me being late for work more than once and falling asleep during my shift, I stopped going to Friday and Saturday events. When asked I explained it and moved on. Shortly after that, still sleep deprived and needing time to prepare for my Wednesday shift, I stopped going to midweek services. I set a boundary and told my dp that I needed 12 to 24-hour heads up when she wanted to meet and I had no problem meeting before midweek as well as Sunday after church. I was told by her that would not work because they needed to see me during the week. I started telling her I couldn't meet with her because I needed to sleep/rest and started to either unplug or silence my phone and put my answering machine in a drawer so I wouldn't be disturbed. I left that summer due to multiple issues with that group including the above along with her violating my personal space.
So sorry. That sounds abusive indeed.